You Can't Not Communicate
Posted by Kevin Eikenberry
Most of us would like to be better communicators. As leaders,
co-workers, team members and in all of the other roles we play
both professionally and personally, we know that communication
is a major key to success.
When we are frustrated or stymied by something, often better
communication would have improved it.
Consider the new executive or manager who walks into their first
meeting. Every movement is watched. Where they sit is analyzed.
What they say is discussed later. Did they make declarative
statements or ask questions? Did they smile? Were they quiet or
too quiet? What about their tone of voice?
Or consider seeing an old friend with a new business partner.
Youve not spent much time with the new partner before. You care
about your friend and so you are trying to build an informed
opinion of their partner, so you observe them very carefully.
Of course not every situation is this obvious, but in every
situation we are all being observed as people try to truly
understand our message. Yes, communication certainly is
important and valuable. And guess what? As these two examples
clearly show, we cant not communicate.
Think about it.
We communicate with our words, of course. Our eyes and our
facial expressions convey many things. We communicate with the
tone of our voice, with our movements and hands. We even
communicate when we are silent.
The Paradox
So it is a paradox to think that we are always communicating and
yet we still want to improve our communications skills.
Just because we do something all the time, doesnt mean we think
about it all the time. And if we are doing something without
thinking about it, we are operating from habit.
Habits are our helpers. They allow us to get through all of the
many tasks we encounter each day many of which we do
subconsciously. And while habits help us, sometimes they dont
serve us in the ways we would most like. In those cases, we can
adjust those habits.
Making a Change
If we want to think about improving our subconscious
communication, it helps to think about the ways we communicate.
I mentioned a list above. Others have split up the communication
components into these segments:
What we say
How we say it
How we look
While I agree with those components I think it is also important
for us to consider a fourth component too what we dont say.
Keeping these components in mind, I believe that there are at
least five things that you can do if you want to do a better job
of communicating during all those times you arent thinking
about communicating.
Be aware. The first step to improving our subconscious
communication skills is to be aware of how pervasive our
communication is. Awareness helps us bring things out of the
subconscious and up to a conscious level. It is at the conscious
level we can work on them.
Be vigilant. Once we have decided we want to improve
these skills and are aware of the factors involved, we have to
pay attention. Begin to more carefully notice how people react
to you. Confirm your observations by restating your points if
you feel you are miscommunicating. Being vigilant means taking
more care and paying closer attention to your communication
style and results.
Get feedback. I have learned over the years that in some
cases the tone of my voice is too strong - that even when Im
not upset or frustrated by something, the tone of my voice
sometimes sends a different message. Without this feedback I
wouldnt even be aware of this issue. With the feedback I can
improve. Of course, you may receive positive feedback too
about things you are unaware of that serve you well. It is
important to receive both the encouragement and the corrective
ideas.
Make a plan. Work on the areas you have noticed. Work on
the things you received feedback on. Practice new or different
techniques. This step is all about modifying and reforming your
habits into more successful ones.
Continue the loop. Awareness, vigilance, feedback and
practice are the steps in a learning loop that you can apply
over and over to continue to improve your subconscious
communication skills.
Summary
The grammar isnt great, but the logic is perfect you cant
not communicate. All of our actions, words and non actions send
a message to those around us. To become more effective and
better understood, we first need to recognize this fact, then
take action to change our communications habits so we are
communicating what we want to communicate, more of the time.
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